It’s lame. I know – Starting Over the show that is. It’s a train wreck though and you can’t help but watch. There have been many a day off where upon capitalizing on my complete indolence, I have found it much too difficult to change the channel between ‘Ellen’ and ‘Days of Our Lives’. So on it comes and I am enthralled.
But no matter, today is the day to do as such; because I’m not the sentimental type nor am I emotional. In fact I have no feelings and my heart is an ice cold black mass, but maybe I should try. Maybe I should start over with someone and this time act as if I know nothing. A tabula rasa that I wish I had had before. Though this time will be better – I will be better - and I will care and be OK and less neurotic and more supportive. I won’t project or worry about something that was never really there and I will exclaim “you’re my favorite” more often and really mean it. I’ll do what I can and open up and be more honest. I’ll tell the truth from the beginning, give what I can and take their words and thoughts without trepidation.
'Pervicacious' is my new favorite word. We know how I feel about words and this is right up there with ‘vitriolic’ on my list. The former describes me to a ‘T’: Too set in my ways and stubborn. I wish I could just let things go and not have a response to everything. Some things just need to be rhetorical and I need to shut the fuck up to put it mildly. I also need to stop being so god damn selfish; and well…at least I’m willing to try. In doing so, I will give my all and hope for the best but not automatically expect the worst. Because inevitably I’ll be OK. We’ll be OK.
Speaking of starting over, Michael Dell and I just had a terrible break up after his machine purged everything from my hard drive including over a year’s worth of writing and fodder. So now I’m cheating on him with Steve Jobs. I’ve said it before; Steve just does it for me whereas Michael makes me want to pour boiling water over my head to forget the pain of losing dozens of documents. Oh Steve, I just gotta let you know that I gotta crush on you.